“Postpartum Relationship Struggles? Try This Proven Weekly Tool for Better Communication”
Becoming parents is a beautiful transition—but it’s also one of the biggest stressors a relationship can face. Between sleep deprivation, shifting identities, and figuring out how to keep a baby (and yourselves) fed and rested, it’s easy for communication to break down.
That’s where the Gottman “State of the Union” tool comes in.
Developed by renowned relationship experts Drs. John and Julie Gottman, the State of the Union is a structured, research-backed conversation designed to improve connection, reduce resentment, and help couples feel more like a team—especially during high-stress life transitions like the postpartum period.
💬 What Is the State of the Union Tool?
The State of the Union is a weekly check-in that helps couples talk about their relationship in a positive, non-confrontational way. It’s designed to reduce defensiveness, increase appreciation, and offer space to bring up concerns before they spiral into conflict.
When used consistently, especially after the arrival of a baby, it can help couples feel heard, supported, and connected, even when the rest of life feels overwhelming.
🍼 Why It’s Helpful for New Parents
The early postpartum period—also called the fourth trimester—can shake even the strongest relationships. Common issues include:
Feeling like everything is unequal
Misunderstandings about who’s “on duty”
Resentment about rest, support, or expectations
Feeling emotionally disconnected from your partner
Using the State of the Union tool allows couples to check in before resentment builds. It helps you talk about the hard stuff (division of labor, emotional needs, sleep deprivation) without turning into an argument. It also offers an opportunity for you to gather more information about the state of your partner.
🛠 How to Use the State of the Union Check-In (Postpartum Edition)
Pick a Calm Time Each Week
Choose a consistent time when you’re not exhausted or in the middle of chaos—maybe after a feeding, during a stroller walk, or when baby is sleeping.Start With Appreciation
Each partner shares 1–2 things they appreciated about the other during the week. This helps reconnect before jumping into harder topics.💬 “I appreciated you bringing me water during the night feeds.”
💬 “Thank you for checking in when I was overwhelmed.”Address Any Concerns Gently
Share any disappointments or stress from the week using “I” statements.🚫 “You never help with the baby at night.”
✅ “I felt really alone when I was up multiple times and didn’t feel supported.”Talk About Needs
Be specific: What would help this week? More rest? A break to take a walk alone? Help planning meals?Give a Heads Up: Give your partner notice about any time frames coming up with expectations are higher and your capacity for them may be lower. Big meeting? Nervous about a medical appointment? Returning to work?
End With Affection or a Shared Plan
Close the conversation with a hug, words of encouragement, or a shared goal. Connection and collaboration are key.
💡 Tips for Success
Don’t wait for conflict—use this as a preventative tool.
Keep it short and focused—20–30 minutes is enough.
Be gentle with yourselves. You’re both adjusting to a whole new life.
Aim for focusing on how to make the upcoming week easier and not failures of the past week.
If you miss a week, just start again. Progress over perfection.
💬 Final Thoughts
You don’t need to have it all figured out to have a strong relationship in postpartum. You just need a safe space to talk, a willingness to listen, and a tool like the State of the Union to help you reconnect.
If you and your partner are feeling distant, overwhelmed, or stuck in miscommunication since becoming parents, you’re not alone—and you don’t have to navigate it alone.
At Virtue Counseling, I help new moms and couples feel more supported and in control during this massive life change. Let’s build your toolbox together.
📩 Schedule a free consultation to learn how we can work together and explore more tools just like this.
